


Six by Eight

by YumKiwiDelicious



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Childhood Friends, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Like super modern, Mutual Pining, Oblivious Ben Solo, age gap, as in current day, as in tiktok and corona is mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:20:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23193076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YumKiwiDelicious/pseuds/YumKiwiDelicious
Summary: Ben had to admit, while initially awkward to learn about, Rey’s feelings for him were…kind of fun to tease her with.||Ben finds out Rey has feelings for him and teases her relentlessly until it's not quite so funny anymore||
Relationships: Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, background Poe Dameron/Finn
Comments: 8
Kudos: 124





	Six by Eight

**Author's Note:**

> FUN FACT: I'm in quarantine right now since my job was shut down to avoid the spread of COVID-19 soooo I've just been making looong one-shots and youtube videos the last 2 days. Only 28 more days to go!!!  
> Also this and my other recent works are not beta'd or reread for safety becaaaause I end up staring at these files way longer than I want to anyway, so please excuse any mistakes.

Ben and Rey had lived together for nearly a year. It had been an adjustment at first, getting used to sharing the tiny two bedroom, but they’d been friends since Rey was a child and eventually just fell into an easy routine that worked for both of them. The time to renew their lease was fast approaching and had you asked Ben about four months ago he would have said he had no reservations about renewing. Now though, he wasn’t so sure. Because for the last three months Rey had been acting...strange. 

Ben shoved the rest of his food into the fridge, glaring at the back of the young woman's head. He did not know what he had done that had Rey so off, but he felt something close to ignored these days. The way she would wave and slip past him with tiny stupid smile that didn't meet her eyes. Sometimes she would disappear for days at a time, claiming she had needed some quality time with Finn, or Rose, or some other friend that didn’t care for Ben enough to update him on whether or not she was over.

Having been friends for so long Ben knew he could definitely piss Rey off. Get her to a boiling point where she’d scream and storm and not talk to him for a few miserable days, but she never did this. Never completely dismissed him and left him wondering where he had gone wrong while still acting like nothing at all had changed. It was maddening and he was getting pretty sick of it.

He shut the fridge door with his hip. She’d barely said a word to him when she got home yesterday. Granted, she'd at least stayed out in the living room as opposed to barricading herself in her room, but that only left the slightest hint of social interaction on Ben's tongue. He had barely known he'd liked the taste this much. Would miss it this much.

"I've been thinking," he began, knowing Rey hadn't seen the state of the fridge for at least a few days now, "Of going out for dinner."

"Oh yeah?" Rey said, turning around. She was still in her pajamas which consisted of fuzzy pants with spaceships on them and one of his old high school shirts. It looked comical on her, ‘Class of 2006’ not matching her youthful features at all. "We ran through all the food already?"

"We have," Ben lied.

"Damn," she mumbled, settling back down into the couch. She was watching The Great British Bake Off on Netflix. It was bread week. "I'll go shopping tomorrow."

Ben was glad he’d put his food away because he knew he would’ve cracked the bowl in his hands at Rey’s audacity. After fifteen years of flinging Ben into whatever social event caught her eye, forcing him out for a dinner with a bill that was rarely split, wrangling him into carrying groceries that weren't his own, Rey really thought she could pull something so lame as claiming she would do the shopping herself?

"Will you need help?" he pressed stiffly. He wasn’t at the edge of his rope or desperate, he was just asking. The girl on the couch didn’t grace him with a glance. Just shook her head so her ponytail waved wildly at him behind her. 

"Nah," she assured, "You're busy enough as it is, I've got it."

Ben stared at the back of her head.

Rey had pulled herself away from the show to scroll idly through her phone. Small snippets of different songs flowed through the living room and she giggled lowly to herself letting Ben know she was going through that horrible app he hated so much. TikTok. He leaned on the back of the couch, gripping the fabric half an arm's reach from her head, and stared back at the kitchen. He wanted to grab the mobile and hurl it into the wall, but he restrained himself. Rey would not forgive another shattered cell screen he knew.

"Talk."

‘Cyber Sex’ continued to play there in her hand, completely taking the edge off Ben’s words. The only reason he knew the name of the stupid song was because Rey had taken a sincere liking to it, brainwashed by all the little videos, and insisted on playing it whenever they were in the car together. She didn’t look up at him.

"Huh?"

Ben didn't turn.

"Talk," he repeated.

"Talk…?" The next video’s audio was muffled as Rey dropped her phone into her lap and finally twisted in her seat to stare at him confusedly. “What's going on?"

The heat in Ben’s stomach flared to life.

"I don't know!" he snapped, too loud and too angry. Rey hated when he got angry, but he’d rather she get angry back than continue with this benign indifference she’d grown for him. He swallowed and turned away, continuing more quietly, "I don't know….You tell me."

"Ben,” she soothed, not sure what was going on but used to Ben Solo’s mood swings after fifteen years of fielding them. She reached a hand out to grip at his knee. He was also still in his pajamas. “I don’t understand."

"Do you need me to leave? Is that it? Is it that we're living together, because I will—"

"What?" Rey interrupted, eyes wide. She got off the couch and quickly moved around to the other side to look at her roommate. “Don’t say that! Why would you say that?”

"Because you obviously hate it!"

Rey froze, a tiny breath gasping out of her lips. Ben stared intensely, daring her to deny it. She didn’t look away.

"Oh," she said, with a dawning understanding that looked a little too stricken to be any sort of comfort. "Oh...no...Ben-"

"Just say it."

Anything to end this waiting. Anything to end this  _ strain _ , this heavy silence, this false cheer.

"I don’t hate you," she assured, dropping his gaze as she began so fiddle with the hem of his old shirt. “I could never hate you, it’s just…” 

Hazel eyes met his, clear and apologetic and  _ sad _ again and Ben hated it. Hated that he couldn’t punch a hole through whatever was bothering her even it was himself. Hated that she had let this fester over into their friendship. Hated that it felt suspiciously like he was losing her after all these years. He couldn’t...he couldn’t lose Rey.

She sucked in a breath.

"I have feelings for you."

Ben’s thoughts came screeching to a halt.

"I have feelings for you," Rey declared again, as if the first time hadn't been enough to knock the breath right out of him. He straightened up and wondered what his face must look like because she quickly looked away, only catching him in brief glances from the corner of her eye as she continued. “Romantic ones and...and I know you don’t feel the same and that’s fine! It’s just...I’ve been trying to ignore them, but living with you has made it...difficult."

Ben remained silent and Rey tugged her hair out of its band roughly only to pull at her scalp with a frustrated huff, eyes falling shut. It was a habit she’d had since she was in middle school, back when her hair had been much longer. Ben wanted to reach out and tap her knuckles like he always did to get her to stop, but didn’t know if either of them could handle him touching her right now.

"Anyway.  _ Anyway _ ...I promise I’ll get over it.” Her eyes were still closed and her head was tilted up as if she were addressing the ceiling. “I don't want anything from you. Don't treat me any different. It’s just a stupid crush and it’s dumb and I’m dumb and really, really embarassed so just...I’ll figure it out. Just don’t…” 

"...What?"

"Don't act any different!” she insisted, eyes fluttering open as she finally released her hair. It looked like a bird’s nest now and she looked up at him with a face that was somehow equally a scowl, a pout, and a bored facade of indifference. As if knowing Ben was about to point out that she had been the one acting different, Rey held a hand up to him, looking very put out by this whole conversation. “I’ve been avoiding you because I thought for sure you’d catch on, but I promise I’ll stop and just...deal with it.”

Ben blinked, folding his arms over his chest as he frown down at Rey. She had always been much shorter than him and she used it to her advantage often, usually with lifting or opening things, but the angle also worked for her to give an impressive pair of puppy eyes up at him. Still, what she’d said didn’t really make sense. 

"You ignored me because you thought you were being too  _ obvious _ ?"

Rey deflated, her self-proclaimed Cutie-Pie Pout vanishing as she let out a hollow chuckle. "Well, yeah." she reasoned, "You know I hate keeping secrets from you."

A soft, warm relief settled into Ben’s chest. She wasn’t leaving him.

"You're an idiot." 

Rey laughed again, more genuinely this time, and nodded her agreement.

"So now that I...know," Ben went on, choosing the word carefully, "You're going to stop with this nonsense?"

"Of course,” she agreed almost too readily, looking as if she were a student being chastised for not paying attention in class. There was still a trace of worry hiding in the corner of her eyes and Ben leaned forward until he could stare at it directly. Rey flushed when she caught his eyes, and maybe she had been doing that for a while, but then she smiled and the tenseness in the room finally broke. He chuckled as she aimed a soft punch at his bicep before heading towards the kitchen.  "Do we really not have any food?"

Ben stole her spot on the couch.

"We have plenty."

"Ben!"

* * *

Ben stayed in bed for over an hour after he woke up the next day feeling frozen in a sense. Laying in bed there, he felt like he was in some sort of shock, his brain still trying to process what had happened between him and his best friend less than twenty-four hours ago. So much had been revealed to him and yet he still felt terribly uninformed. The surprise at Rey’s confession had been so great that he didn’t even ask any follow-up questions of which he had several. And It had been easy for Rey to lead him soothingly back into his comfort zone, but now he wanted to broach the topic quite a bit more.

_ I have feelings for you. _

What did that even mean? What kind of feelings? She’d said romantic of course, but what did  _ that  _ mean? How was she so sure? How did she know it wasn’t just an extremely close friendship she felt with him after all this time?

When had this started? She’d made it sound as if the feelings where an inevitability that had bubbled up over time only reaching catalyst in the last few months of their cohabitation. Did that mean she had had feelings for him for longer than even that? How deep did they go?

Ben sucked in a breath, trying to center himself and quiet his mind. He sent a silent prayer of thanks that it was the weekend because there was no way he would have gotten any work done today if it had been a Monday.

He heaved in a breath as he sat up, kicking his feet off the side of the bed.

Feelings.

Rey had  _ feelings  _ for him. 

Rey, the skinny little girl he had met while working a summer camp counselor job. Who had followed him around relentlessly, with a tongue blue from popsicles and a nose red from sunburn. She had feelings for him. Rey, the obnoxious middle schooler who had stolen all his music tastes and trashed his favorite record trying to play it herself. Who had thrown an entire tantrum so unlike herself when he’d explained he was going to grad school out of state just as she was transitioning into high school. She had feelings for him. Rey, the vivacious teenager that had ditched her senior prom when she was told Ben couldn’t accompany her since he was twenty-seven at the time. Who had worked her ass off to pull grades that would get her accepted into the college Ben taught at.  _ She  _ had feelings for him.

Maybe it had been looking him in the face all along, but still...feelings could mean a number of this as far as Ben was concerned. There was no denying Rey had abandonment issues and clung to friends like a barnacle. Maybe that’s what this was? Rey had never shied away from the fact that Ben was her closest friendship and the most important person in her life. She never had to; the feeling was mutual. So what else could there possibly be?

When Ben finally did get out of bed, Rey was already in the kitchen fiddling with the coffee maker. She looked like she hadn’t slept a wink and Ben was at least glad for the proof he hadn’t dreamed her confession. Clearly she’d been up all night thinking about it. Thinking about feelings. 

“Morning." She didn’t scream, not really, but she gave a sort of choked shout as she spun to face him, eyes bleary. A disheveled, still only half-awake Ben laughed at her. "Really? We  _ live _ together."

"You walk like a fucking vampire," Rey protested, the swear falling from her lips at a lower volume than rest of the words in her complaint. Ben never used to let her swear. "Can't you make some noise like a normal person?"

Ben raised an eyebrow. She was crabby this morning.

"I make plenty of noise. You have the awareness of deaf mole."

Rey gaped at him.

"Wow," she she sing-songed, clearly fighting back a laugh, "And here I was about to fix you coffee and everything.” She gave an exaggerated shrug. “Fine, coffee's been started and you can toast your own toast."

"Thanks for your permission,” Ben snorted. “Are you staying in today?"

"Yeah, I'm here," she said, hoisting herself up onto the counter like she’d always done even though Ben told her time and time again it wasn’t sanitary. “I won’t, um...avoid you...anymore."

She’d been staring intently at the coffee drips collecting at the bottom of the pot, but she turned as Ben moved toward her. He leaned against the counter’s edge, her knee bumping his side and leaned into her space. Her breath hitched a bit and maybe it had been doing that for a while.

"Good."

Rey’s laugh stuttered and stuck in her teeth and she turned away to look at the coffee again. A quiet beat passed and when she glanced back, as casually as she could, Ben was still staring at her, a knowing smile on his face. She flustered and scoffed and knocked him away with her shoulder. 

“Oh, screw you,” she mumbled.

“You know you want to.”

"Oh my  _ god _ , Ben!"

* * *

Ben had to admit, while initially awkward to learn about, Rey’s feelings for him were…kind of fun to tease her with.

His smile widened as Rey shrank further into the couch, stuffed into the corner, blushing a brilliant, vivid red. She’d just accidentally touched his butt with her toes as she’d been trying to stretch out. Now she seemed quick on the path to dying of embarrassment. 

"You're right," he said, fiddling with the remote of their television, "You are obvious."

"Oh my  _ god _ ," came the shriveled hiss from the corner, Rey all but melting into a puddle of embarrassment. The good news was that she had promised not to run away, which meant Ben had free reign to torture her day in and day out. 

"Is it my looks?" he asked casually, flipping to another channel.

"What? No!"

Ben blinked. Rey had almost sounded...offended.

"What?" Ben asked, confused, channel surfing now forgotten as he peered across the gaping expanse of the couch and over at Rey. "Am I ugly to you or something?"

"No!" she snapped again, clapping her hands over her eyes and scrubbing furiously. Her hair was actually in a pretty nice braid so she couldn’t tug at it.

"So you  _ are _ attracted to my looks?"

"Ben Solo, just  _ what  _ do you think you are-"

"You've told me I have the hair of an emo Ed Sheeran, that my ears resemble Dumbo’s, and that my body is reminiscent of a young, fit  _ Frankenstein _ ."

Rey crumbled into a surprised laugh, no doubt remembering the instance of all those insults in extreme detail. Her face was still a beautiful shade of red and Ben studied her closely.

"Pardon me for being confused."

“Well, I mean…everybody knows you're attractive," she replied dismissively, eyes going a little caged for a moment.

Ben turned the TV off.

"You've never been  _ everybody _ ," he said quietly, glancing over at the front door as if waiting for something. Rey looked over at it too longingly, like she wanted to run away but couldn’t because she’d promised Ben she wouldn’t. She’d never broken a promise to Ben before. Except...

“I feel like a bad friend.” She sounded sad. 

Ben’s head snapped back to her.

"What?"

"It’s just…” She rolled her eyes as if already angry with herself for saying what she was about to say. “I swore I’d never have a crush on you.” 

Her roommate frowned. He remembered Rey, tiny and indignant and filled with a righteous rage, declaring for the whole dinner table to hear that she would never, ever have a crush on Ben Solo. He was her best friend, but what was more, he was a gross and stinky teenage boy. No thank you! Han had laughed himself nearly to death at the scene she’d caused, glad he’d made his snide little joke even if Leia ended up having to clean mashed potatoes off the far wall of their dining room. But that had been so long ago...

He pointed out, "Rey...you were just a kid."

She inclined her head, acknowledging the thought; not triggered by the last word anymore. For years, their age difference had been a huge issue inside and outside their friendship. Whether it was admin at Rey’s high school nearly launching an investigation as to why she wanted to bring a grown man to prom, or Ben’s classmates starting ugly rumors about him bringing an extremely underage girl into his dorm on the weekends, they’d gone through a lot. Had never once tried to denounce or hide their friendship. Whenever someone mistook them for siblings, Rey was quick to correct them because the love they shared was not forced by blood, but rather forged by understanding. Ben Solo was her best friend; nothing less, nothing more...until now.

"Yeah, but it's like," she waved her hand out in front of himself, "the premise of the whole thing."

Ben continued to watch her. She was still sad.

“So...it’s not my looks then?”

“It’s everything!” she laughed, missing the way he balked at the painfully honest admission. “God, I like...I like everything about you, Ben.”

She was finally smiling but it was quiet and tender and far too serious for Ben’s busy head. He drew his eyebrows together at her.

“...Looks included?”

"Please tell me this isn't what you're going to be like now."

"This is what I'm going to be like now."

* * *

If Rey had had any shred of pride left, it was long gone now. Ben had been relentless in his pursuit of every single detail of her  _ feelings  _ that he could rip out of her. No touch, glance, or joke went unturned as he started to truly assess every aspect of their relationship. Not one to lie -anymore- Rey had no choice but to quietly answer all his poorly timed questions no matter where they were asked lest Ben begin a long tirade of the ill-treatment she had put him through over the last few months. She honestly did feel bad for the way she had acted and wanted to make it up to him, but she wasn’t sure how much more she could take without killing the older man.

However, somewhere under her skin and nerves and white-hot embarrassment, there was some sort of overwhelming relief at how much of an asshole Ben was being about all this. He hadn’t drawn away from her in disgust or berated her for being stupid enough to form a crush on him in the first place. He was just teasing her, and if he was teasing her that meant he was cool with it at the end of the day. Ben didn’t talk about or to things that made him uncomfortable. His parents were a perfect example of that. 

"What about the girl you dated last year?"

Rey blinked, catching on to the real meaning of the question right away. Ben was not asking how she could possibly have feelings for him after dating a woman, he knew she was bi. He was just wondering how she could possibly have feelings for him while dating someone else at all. 

"What about her?"

Ben tapped his fingers on the wobbly dining room table. They were having a shared dinner of cold soba noodles and Dr. Pepper.

"Was that before—this?"

"No," Rey said, almost laughing. It honestly struck her as a little funny Ben thought she’d only harbored these feelings for less than a year. “No, Jessica knew about you.”

Ben squinted at her and Rey merely shrugged and shoved more noodles into her mouth, the cheap chopsticks scraping at her lips. Jessica had been nearly his age. She’d been pretty and funny and liked all the things Rey liked and never questioned her friendship with a professor at her school and Ben, for the life of him, could never understand why they didn’t work out. Now...

"Knew about me?"

"Knew how I felt. I told her the day she asked me out, but she still wanted to give us a try." Rey took a deep drink of her Dr. Pepper, gasping dramatically as it went down and shrugging. “I guess she thought my feelings could change.”

"So..it’s been over a year then?"

Rey just stared back dully in response. 

"How long?"

She shrugged, not really wanting to make her torture any easier for him than it already was, but Ben knew he had her trapped. She couldn’t ever truly lie to him, not when asked something directly. 

"More than two years?"

Rey nodded.

"More than three?"

She nodded again.

"Four?"

Another nod.

"...Five?"

Her neck had apparently grown tired because she only squinted.

"Six?"

Arms crossed.

"Seven?"

Rapid blinking.

"More than eight years?"

Rey’s brows knit and she cocked her head to the side in an exaggerated thinking pose before shaking her head. Ben leaned back from where he had at some point, started stretching across the table for every year added. His noodles were already all gone and Rey was holding the last of the soda hostage.

"Eight, then," he mused, shocked but satisfied. He tried to remember if there had been any changes in Rey back at that time. She’d been only fifteen then, a sophomore in high school, and Ben had been finishing his Masters and so barely saw her. In fact, he remembered being especially surprised when he’d looked up during his graduation and saw her sitting next to Leia. She’d looked so  _ different _ , so not like a little kid anymore. "You kept a secret from me for eight years."

Rey killed the last of the Dr. Pepper with a shrug, recrossing her arms over her chest in a way that was meant to be casual, but Ben knew was merely her trying to protect her soft underbelly. He admired her straight forwardness in all this, no matter what he did or said about it. She was clearly trying to stay in control of the situation and save face at the same time. He wouldn’t let her. 

“When did you realize?” He could see the blush building all the way across the table. It started around the low color of her shirt and then crept up her neck and crashed over her face like a wave. She maintained her indifferent pose there, but he could hear the way her breath caught and shallowed as her eyes flicked away from him. She nibbled her lip, eyes searching the bottom of her bowl for the answers. 

“There wasn’t like…” she stammered, “An exact moment. It just happened over time.”

“Obviously, but how did you know you weren't just having...friendly feelings towards me anymore?”

Ben remembered his graduation. Rey had stayed, hovering awkwardly, at the edge of oblivion while his parents hugged and congratulated him and then she’d rushed into his arms. Her hair was down to her waist then and had tangled them up terribly when he’d picked her up and swung them both around to the sounds of her laughter. She’d explained how Leia had invited her to come and paid for her ticket and everything. She’d grouched at him for not visiting more and showed him her new iPhone 5 and hadn’t seemed any different than normal.

However, she’d been holding onto these feelings even then and so there had to have been something that had stuck out from the ordinary interactions they had.

"Tell me."

Rey heaved out a breath before admitting, "I started having...dreams...about you."

Ben blinked.

"Dreams?"

"I mean obviously we’ve known each other a long time,” she defended, for whatever reason not liking the tone he had decided to respond with. She was baring her soul after all. “So I’ve had probably hundreds of dreams with you in them, but these were...different and-"

"You had multiple wet dreams about me as a teenager?"

Ben might as well have punched her in the head. She slipped from her chair onto the floor, the weight of what she had just admitted dragging her down into a pit of shame. She covered her face with her hands and moaned there at Ben’s feet. She was muttering to herself.

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god-”

"Did you have any about anyone else?"

"Ben- _! _ "

"Have you had more about me since then?"

"Oh my  _ god! _ "

* * *

“I have more questions.”

Rey was hunched over her desk, textbook open in front of her when Ben invited himself into her bedroom. She didn’t even flinch at the sudden voice at her back because she had pulled the same trick on him thousands of times and would not be caught slipping. She had finals to prepare for, graduation was approaching with all the subtle grace of a Titan, and while she would rather do anything but study, the thought of answering more of Ben’s burning questions had her dragging her text closer to herself defensively.

“Just leave me here to die.”

“There ‘s no way you’d rather read than talk to me.”

“Don’t you have papers to grade?”

“I’m done.” He flopped down onto her bed. “I don’t procrastinate, unlike some people.” She continued to pointedly ignore him in favor of administrative theory until she heard him sigh. “Is it really that bad talking about it.”

“No,” she admitted, though she knew if she said yes Ben would stop immediately. “It just...makes me nervous.”

A beat of silence passed. 

Then, “...You have nothing to be nervous about.”

Rey snorted a rather ugly guffaw of a laugh, finally throwing a glare over her shoulder. Turning so suddenly away from her lamp light that she’d been under for hours left light dancing before her eyes. 

“Easy for you to say,” she grouched, rubbing at her tired eyes roughly as she turned away again, “You don’t know what this feels like.”

A beat of silence passed. 

Then, “I made a pretty embarrassing confession to you when I was younger.”

"Oh  _ boo-hoo _ !" Ben could tell Rey was starting to fall into a genuinely foul mood because she spit the taunt over her shoulder and reached up to start tugging at her hair. “You called me your best friend, how is that even  _ remotely- _ ?!”

"My words were ‘only friend’, thank you.” Ben tried not to let his temper flare at her because he knew she was going through a difficult time and that him getting angry would only get her angrier. “ You were my only friend and I was eighteen years old pouring my heart out to a third grader."

“Fourth grader,” Rey sighed, finally relenting and shoving her book off the desk with a huff. It thumped heavily on the carpeted floor and Ben had to stifle a laugh. Rey was much smaller than him and so just generally had less destructive power. Ben could punch entire holes in walls, but Rey had to settle for throwing small objects a short distance away from her; mashed potatoes against the wall.

The young woman turned fully at last and threw her body into the bed beside her roommate. She flopped down face first, seeming to stifle a scream into the comforter before turning to look at him. He stayed perched on the edge, close to the door so he could run out if things got to be too much. She rolled her eyes disarmingly.

“What’s next then?”

"Describe it."

Rey gave him a confused scowl out the corner of her eye.

“Describe what?”

“How you feel about me.”

“I’ve already told you.”

“Humor me.”

“Why?”

Ben chuckled lowly, transported back to a time when Rey’s favorite question had always been ‘why?’. Why couldn’t she sleep in Ben’s bed with him? Why did the planets revolve around the sun? Why didn’t Leia and Han live in the same house anymore? Why was he leaving her to do more college?

"I'm not convinced you're not fooling yourself."

Rey jerked to sit upright and it was there, written all over her face...righteous rage. She icily questioned if Ben was serious right now and he just raised an eyebrow, meeting her flashing eyes with a cool doubt.

“You want to know how I feel about you?” she challenged moodily and Ben knew he had her. “Fine!”

She smacked one of her pillows in her frustration, adjusting until she was turned and sitting criss-cross facing him. Her knee bumped his side. She had fly away hairs sticking to her face and she held up a hand as if preemptively asking for a moment to collect her thoughts. Then she began…

“It’s like I feel...scared...all the time. It's terrifying. I feel nervous and exhilarated and so  _ stupid _ . I'm excited every time I see your face, that's literally all it takes.” She laughed nervously, the fire fading from her eyes a bit. “Every time I'm coming home and I know you'll be here, I can't wait. Half the time I never even want to leave anymore. It's...feeling happy and comfortable and like...I need nothing else. And feeling like everything will be okay. Even if everything else in my life falls apart, I'll be okay." 

She rubbed across her eyes absently, not even noticing how Ben was frozen in place like a victim of the legendary Medusa. Every word out of her mouth felt like a cold stab to his gut and he wanted to bolt from the room, had the perfect position to do so, but couldn’t. For some crazy reason he just couldn’t run from Rey.

"And it's liking you too, obviously," she said, staring at the opposite wall. "Beyond just that, though, it's...admiring you. All of you. I've spent half my life in awe of you anyway, but it’s not as if I put you on a pedestal.” She scowled at the idea, pretty face cut into severe lines. “I know who you are and I know there's a lot more to it than some genius senator’s son, but I'm just...interested. I've always wanted to know more."

She finished with a small shrug, looking away. Ben was still stuck on the bed, but feeling far more thoughtful than frightened now. His mother’s career rarely came up between them because Ben had made it clear painfully earlier on that he didn’t want to talk about it. Especially once they both ended up at the school and no one knew who he was, he didn’t want it mentioned. Here he was Ben Solo, not Ben Solo-Organa, and Rey had always respected that more than anyone else in his life.

"I don't know if that answers your question," she said quietly. The air around the was tense with nerves and Ben felt like he could create an electric spark just by looking at her. 

"It’s good enough for now," he said finally, and Rey let out a visible sigh of relief. All the righteous rage had vanished and she looked small again. "However, I’d like more examples as they come to you."

Rey let out a soft, whispered laugh while asking, "So you want me to tell you whenever I'm feeling particularly... _ interested _ in you?"

Ben let out an amused breath through his nose, his favorite way to laugh, and nodded.

"That works."

* * *

In retrospect, Ben realized he might have dug a little too close to home for the two of them. The whole talk had been a ticking time bomb,but the part that continued to ring in Ben’s head, even days after the discussion, was the fact that Rey was  _ interested  _ in him. Initially he couldn’t pinpoint, and neither could she apparently, exactly what types of  _ feelings  _ she had for him. But interested? He could understand interest. More so than ever now because he was quickly becoming  _ obsessed  _ with Rey. 

And what was obsession but an extreme interest?

Wasn't it natural, though? Wasn't this fascinating? Wouldn't anyone else desperately want to know what parts of themselves made someone like Rey feel nervous and exhilarated and so  _ stupid _ ? How many times in a lifetime could someone honestly say they got to pick the brain of someone  _ interested  _ in them?

Ben let out a breath, scrubbing at his hair again. He'd already shampooed it, he was just stalling. He had nowhere to be after all. The university had been shut down thanks to the stupid COVID-19 outbreak and he and Rey were more or less quarantined to their apartment for the next two weeks with nothing to do but talk. However, they’d done plenty of that and Ben now just wanted some social distance to  _ think _ . It was warm and humid in their tiny shared bathroom and Ben’s thoughts tended to spiral just a little less when he stood in the shower long enough. Which would have been helpful earlier, he thought, stepping out to the tile that held nothing but his dirty clothes.

“Damn.”

Sighing, Ben scrubbed himself as dry as he could, hair still dripping down his shoulders and chest, and wrapped a towel around his waist. He pushed the door open, still deep in thought about all that had happened recently and ran straight into Rey. Literally.

“Oh - OH!”

She flinched back into the wall of the narrow hallway, still barely three feet from him and her eyes grew wide as dinner plates. Her laptop was clutched to her chest, she had just finished one of her new online classes, and she was wearing another old shirt of his. The ‘Extreme Thing 2005’ was faded into practical obscurity. Her hair was pulled back into three buns and her face was going scarlet at an alarming rate. She was staring at his chest.

"Can I help you?" he asked, mood moving from mortified to deeply amused in a matter of seconds. He smiled at her.

"Uh!" Rey’s eyes jerked up to his and only seemed to grow hazier. "No!"

Ben tilted his head. Droplets of water fell from his wet locks and made gentle dripping noises on the carpet.

"No?"

"No!" Rey insisted, wildly shaking his head. His smile widened and Rey took a timid step further away from him as if expecting an attack. 

"Don’t forget," Ben warned lowly, somehow almost disappointed that Rey’s eyes  _ didn't _ drop as he shifted the towel around his waist, "We had a deal."

She scowled up at him and he merely grinned bad.

"Fine," Rey breathed, still clearly panicked, but growing more irate at his pestering, " _ Fine _ —yes! Right now. Right now, I'm very...interested. Can I go?"

"No. What is it, exactly?" Rey  _ whined _ . "Give me one example and you're free."

"One thing?" she grouched, still not meeting his eyes.

"One thing," Ben assured.

"Alright," Rey said, obviously screwing her courage to the sticking plate as she suddenly turned and caught him right in her gaze. Benw as the one feeling stuck now; pinned like a rabbit in the snare of her eyes which never wavered below his face again. “Your smile.”

"It's my...smile?"

Rey wilted, courage fleeing the scene like a thief in the night as she ducked her head once more. She nodded, gripping her computer so tightly Ben was sure it’d snap between her dainty fingers.

"I'm naked...and it's my  _ smile _ ?"

"Can I go?” she snapped, her volume actually startling him a bit though he gave no reaction. Even pressed up against the while, his wide frame was blocking the way completely to her room. He stepped to the side, leaving a narrow pathway for her to pass.

"You can go.”

He waved her forward and she scurried away, shoulder sliding across his wet chest only briefly before she slammed the door to her room closed with enough force to shake the building.

* * *

Ben crossed his arms, waiting for Rey outside. The house was vibrating with music, ‘The Box’ blasting from no less than thirty speakers within. It was a miracle police hadn’t been called to break up the event; college students were falling out of every door and window, drunk and laughing far too loudly for that time of night. Ben wouldn’t go in to find Rey. He couldn’t. There was nothing worse for an End of the World party than for your Civil Engineering professor to come bursting in to re-explain what exactly ‘quarantine’ and ‘social distance’ meant.

He wasn’t the only Real Adult waiting, however. Poe Dameron, a colleague and old high school friend, had taken to leaning on the opposite side of the lamppost Ben was leaning against. He was waiting for Finn, his boyfriend and Rey’s second best friend. They’d met when Finn had been assigned to TA for Poe and had quickly realized such an arrangement would be inappropriate considering their feelings for each other. Their relationship was no secret, but Ben was still surprised to see him there, surrounded by his own students, waiting on Finn so publicly.

“Think we’ll have to break ranks and go in?” he teased, brow quirked as he watched some unfortunate soul puke into the bushes. “God, I don’t miss these days.”

“That’s because you still have them,” Ben chided, leaning away as some drunk sorority girl went to lean on his shoulder and promptly face planted into the lawn. “Remember your thirty-fifth?”

“Hey, a man’s thirty-fifth birthday is sacred,” Poe defended, pushing off the lamp as they both spotted their pick-up orders stumbling out of the house.

Rey’s face was flush with heat and inebriation as she leaned heavily on Finn who was laughing uproariously at whatever she was slurring into his ear. They had their arms thrown round each other like they always did and just barely made it down the walk up steps without busting their collective ass. Ben had to sigh at his roommate; she was a complete lightweight and yet insisted on matching Finn drink for drink wherever they went. He could already imagine the hangover she was going to have and how it was going to monopolize his entire day into taking care of her. Rey was a horrible hungover person.

As they approached, Finn seemed to notice Poe for the first time and greeted him embarrassingly loudly as if he had not been the one to call and beg for a ride home. Poe accepted the barrage of sloppy kisses and too tight hugs that met him with a smile. He really loved Finn and didn’t mind taking care of him while he was drunk. Ben on the other hand…

"Get in the goddamn car."

"Nooo," Rey grouched, swaying unsteadily as she swatted at Ben’s arm. “How come you’re never- happy to see me- like that?” Her speech was cut up by hiccups like she was a cartoon mouse that had fallen into a glass of wine.

“Because I’m not getting sex out of you once we get home.”

“Woah!”

Poe and Finn’s joint outrage met the roommates’ backs as Ben started ushering them toward the car. Rey giggled and tripped along, not minding the way Ben kept a vice like grip around her waist practically dragging her. Her makeup was still perfectly intact and her hair wasn’t mussed so Ben had to guess she hadn’t seen any action at the party. Which was all the better, she notoriously hated fielding calls from men she had met while three sheets to the wind. Finn served as a good buffer for this most nights.

“You could, you know.”

Ben gave a cold warning of, “Rey.”

“Sorry, sorry,” she huffed as he helped her into the front seat of his old truck. She slumped against her window once the door was closed and hummed a made up little tune to herself until Ben rounded the bed and hopped in on the driver’s side. He started the car.

"If you fall asleep on me," he warned, "After forcing me to come pick you up, I'll throw you out of the car and you can walk home."

“No one’s falling asleep," she huffed, surreptitiously lifting her hand from where Ben  _ knew _ the handle to lean the seat back was. "Hmmm...You're gonna have to keep me up then."

"I can do that." He glanced behind him, checked his rear view, made sure Rey was actually sitting and had her seat belt on, and pulled away from the curb. "Tell me things you like about me. Other than my smile."

“Ugh, you’re  _ the worst _ !” Ben was sure had he not engaged child-lock while putting her in, Rey would have flung herself out of the car to escape him. As it were, all she could do was thrash her tiny body against her door uselessly and huff. “You’re taking advantage of the fact that I am  _ very  _ drunk!”

"You can start with my looks, if it's easier for you."

Rey grumbled lowly to herself for the next few turns and then finally smacked the dashboard and straightened herself in her seat. Completely ignoring Ben’s demand to treat the Falcon better she turned her head to face him. "Fine—y'know what I like? When you wake up and don't look in the mirror before you come out and your hair's all..."

"Don't tell me you have a thing for my bedhead."

"I'm not gonna tell you if you make fun of me!" Rey immediately yelled, causing him to jerk the wheel a bit. He straightened out and shot her a look out of the corner of his eye. She needed to calm down.

"Okay, okay, sorry," he said. "Bedhead. Sure. What else?"

"It's not  _ just _ the hair, okay, you have like a—like a look when you're first waking up and it's really..." Ben waited. "Cute," she bit out. "Fuck you. You're cute."

Rey turned to firmly face the window, arms crossed and Ben kept driving. He seemed to have developed a tickle in his throat because he was trying and failing to clear it several times over. His guffawing coughs filled the car. 

"Oh just laugh, arsehole!" Rey cursed more when she was drunk

"I don't want to laugh," Ben assured, voice shaking with mirth. Rey glared at him.

"Ben Solo, if you weren't driving right now..."

“Rey, calm down, no one’s laughing at you.” He’d finally gotten himself under control and gestured to his own unsmiling face as evidence. They weren’t far from their place now. “Come on, keep going.”

His roommate let out a soft, grumbling whine.

"I really liked that suit you wore for your graduation."

"My...suit?"

"Well, it fit you really well, okay! And I’d never seen you that dressed up before and I just..."

"You've never told me you liked that suit, " Ben mused, knowing exactly what suit she was talking about since he only owned one. For his high school and bachelors graduations he’d made it through with just slacks and a dress shirt, but for his masters he’d decided it was finally time to show some care for the occasion. Thinking about it now, he was relieved he hadn't donated the thing like he'd been considering. He didn't really have occasions to wear suits nowadays, but maybe… “So...do you want me to wear the suit during, or…?"

" O h my  _ god _ ," Rey hissed out, like a teapot losing the last bit of its steam. Ben just smoothly turned the car. It really was a short drive, so he wouldn't have Rey at his mercy for too much longer.

"What else?"

" _ Still _ ?!"

"Come on, Rey, smiles, suits, and bedhead? That's all it takes to sucker you in for eight years?"

Rey groaned softly, “No, you jerk, but you're the one who said to focus on your looks."

"As a  _ starting point _ . What else is there?"

Rey heaved out a breath, "Well, you're my best friend for a reason, obviously."

Ben slowed the car down a little. Their apartment complex was around the next turn and he didn’t want to reach it just yet. Whether Rey realized or not that he was intentionally stalling was a mystery. She leaned up against the door again, eyes droopy, alcohol dragging her down. Ben had to get what answers he wanted out of her now before he ended up carrying her unconscious weight into their shared home.

"I'm not exactly known for my shining personality."

Rey let out a soft laugh and her eyes closed. 

"Depends on who you ask."

Ben swallowed.

"And if I'm asking you?"

He felt Rey eyes flick to him in the dark. To rope in someone like her with his personality? It made next to no sense. It would be one thing if he was bright and beautiful and a shining force of something wonderful in every life he barely even touched, like Rey herself, but Ben was none of those things. Growing up he'd barely even been able to understand why the little girl from the summer camp had been so attached to him as a  _ friend _ , let alone—

"You're the best person I know."

Ben nearly pulled the damn car over.

"Now I know you've lost your mind," he muttered, forcing himself to focus on the road.

"You can say whatever you want," she slurred, unfazed. "You suck at seeing yourself clearly. I already told you how you make me feel. Why would I feel any of it if I didn't love being around you?"

"Stop," he said quickly, swallowing. "That's fine. Stop there."

"Wh—really?  _ This _ time you take pity on me? It wasn't even that bad! Why—"

"Because if you keep talking, I'm going to crash the car," Ben ground out, coming to a stop sign. At least this was the last turn. He’d slowed the car to a measly five miles an hour to hear this.

"Oh," Rey hiccuped, and then she was blessedly silent. Her eyes danced beneath the passing street lights, but Ben ignored them in favor of getting them the last few yards home safely. When he pulled in he heaved the quietest sigh of relief he could. They’d made it.

"Hey," the girl in his passenger seat called softly, "I’m sorry if that was...too much."

"It wasn't," Ben said, cutting her off, but keeping his tone gentle. Caring. "It was just distracting."

"Oh."

But Rey’s eyes were still scared, and Ben suddenly remembered—

( _ It’s like I feel...scared...all the time. It's terrifying.) _

"Give me one more."

"What?"

"One more thing you're attracted to," he clarified, fixing her with a neutral look. He didn’t want her to be scared; didn’t want her thinking he was going to run away because of her feelings and leave her all alone. He would never do that to Rey. Her face slowly morphed from scared to confused to understanding to happy. She smiled at him dopily, probably more drunk now than she had been when he picked her up and he felt better.

"The way you always come back for me," she said, and before Ben could reply— "During school or vacations or internships you’d always come back for me. You never left me forever."

Well then…

Ben let out a breath, rolling his eyes with a small smile and then said, "Come on, you need to go sleep this off."

Rey laughed, loud again like she had at the party as Ben unbuckled them both and started making his way to her side of the car. When he opened the door, she flopped out like a rag doll and he caught her easily in one arm. She was so light. 

"Carry me?"

"If you'd like to be dragged across the pavement."

But he reached down all the same, wrapping both arms around her now and pulling her to his chest. She giggled and hiccuped and cuddled into him, smile lopsided. Ben shut the truck door with his hip and began the trudge to the stairs. This was not the first time he’d carried her in and he hoped it would not be the last. 

"Hey, Ben?" Rey piped up, a soft glow to her face, even in the dark.

"Hm?"

"Right now."

Right—oh.

Ben swallowed and hefted her up a bit higher.

"What—ah," he cleared his throat a little, "What in particular right now?"

Rey’s lopsided, dreamy smile widened. She was falling asleep.

"You," she said simply, shaking her head. "Just you."

* * *

Ben was waiting. After being a complete whining baby all morning, Rey had opted for a shower, which left Ben alone even more time to be alone with his thoughts. He’d spent the entire morning with her from the moment she woke up vomiting to practically force feeding her Advil and water and now he had a moment's peace.

He let out a breath, tapping his fingers along the couch back. He was nervous and more than a little bit terrified. It was a dangerous thing he so desperately wanted to ask the girl in the bathroom. A single-handed way to answer every single question tumbling through his head, and an even better way to single-handedly possibly ruin his life.

Ben swallowed.

And yet he was going to do it.

If Rey wasn't going to do it, Ben was.

"Hey," Rey yawned when she finally exited the bathroom. Ben could tell by the cloud of steam that followed her that there’d be no hot water left for himself, but maybe that was a good thing. Maybe a cold shower would be just what Ben needed after all this. Rey came and leaned over the back of the couch, intentionally letting water from her hair drip all on to her roommate’s head and shoulders. "How are you?"

"Significantly wetter than a moment ago, thank you."

Rey laughed her usual glowing laugh, not even realizing she was lighting up Ben’s entire world. The shower had done her some good. She moved around the couch to sit beside him and he noticed for the first time that she was still in a towel.

"Consider it a preemptive strike,” she announced, reaching around him to grab the remote off the arm. “I know you're going to be up my arse all day as payment for last night."

"How could you possibly know that?"

Rey;s smile widened even more somehow. She was happy today.

"You look nervous," she answered simply, because he did. Ben had the easiest tell in the world as far as Rey was concerned. Whenever he was happy, he'd stare right at her, unwavering, comfortable and easily. When he was angry, he'd stare in bursts; hot and burning and then away, at a wall or somewhere past her face. When he was sad he wouldn't look at Rey at all. And when Be was nervous his eyes would flicker over every part of Rey’s face, as if scanning every bit of it for the slightest hint of emotion.

“Do I?” he asked her eyebrow before quickly refocusing on the corner of her lips. Rey quirked that corner just for him.

"Definitely. What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

“Hey, just because you’re way smarter than me doesn’t mean I’m a complete dunce,” she grouched good naturedly, smacking at his knee. Her hand left a wet spot. "Tell me.”

"I want to try something."

Rey blinked, not having expected the sour man to give in so quickly but nodded her agreement all the same. Anything Ben wanted to do, ever, Rey was always down to at least try it. She turned to face him more fully on the couch, tucking her towel tighter around herself. Her shoulders were nearly dry now. She stared right at him. “Yeah, sure.” 

"I've been asking you things," Ben murmured quietly, talking to her chin now, "Constantly."

Rey nodded. She was well aware. Ben started to address her left ear.

"I kept waiting for an answer I didn't understand...For something you said to not make sense to me, but…I’m interested in you too, Rey. All of you. I always have been. It wasn’t always an attraction of course cause you were just a kid, but...it changed one day. You weren’t a kid anymore, you were a young woman and I was interested then.” Ben swallowed. “It was probably at your graduation that I noticed it the first time.”

Rey balked. Unlike Ben, she’d only accumulated one diploma thus far in her life and so he had to have been talking about her high school graduation. She’d been seventeen and full of fire and had hair that she’d just chopped to her ears then. She remembered looking up and not being surprised at all to see him in the bleachers, smiling broadly at her in that suit she loved so much. She sucked in a breath and let it crash out of her.

"Which would make it—"

"Not eight years,” Ben clarified, eyes dropping from hers in what felt suspiciously like shame. He had not mirrored her feelings as long as she’d felt them; he was not devoted enough to deserve her. Still Rey’s laugh was small and surprised; it barely broke through the fog of nerves and denial, but she was happy. Because six years was still so much.

"I was so terrified of those feelings,” Ben went on, not noticing her tender gaze, “That I hid from them and buried them away where they could never touch you and taint what we have. Because as long as I had this everything...I knew everything would be okay. Even if everything else in my life fell apart, even when it  _ did  _ fall apart, you were there. And I was okay."

_ (And it's liking you too, obviously)  _

Ben continued, “You've been the most fascinating person I've ever met. I’ve studied you every day for nearly your entire life and you’re not a child anymore." He finally deigned to look up at her again. "Everything you’ve said these last few weeks has made sense. Everything you said, I understood." 

When had Rey started crying? She wiped hurriedly at her face as Ben moved closer and took her hands. 

"So I want to try something," he said softly and Rey moved as if pulled forward by an invisible string.

"Then do it," she whispered, scanning Ben’s eyes for something.

Ben leaned in, but Rey didn't dare close her eyes until the man’s breath was on her lips, sure that somehow she was wildly and incomprehensibly misinterpreting things. But then Ben was there and she could feel him engulfing her and she shut her eyes and let herself just feel. The embrace she had been hoping for for nearly a decade; she wanted to etch it into her brain and memorize the sensation forever when Ben’s lips finally pressed to hers. 

Rey may as well have melted. She would have crumbled if she could bear to break the kiss. When Ben pulled away she remained frozen in space, not opening her eyes and not leaning back into her space on the couch. If he had hated that and never wanted to try it again, wanted to move out immediately and cut all ties with Rey, she wanted the last she saw of him to be him leaning into her like he loved her.

"I love you, Ben," she said simply, laughing even as she felt the tears start to seep from beneath her eyelids. She just wanted him to know in case she never got the chance to say it again. "I’ve loved you every single day since the day we met and I’ll love every single day from now on."

Ben was silent on the other side of the couch until..

"I’ve been waiting for you to say that."

Rey sniffled, shivering all over as Ben’s large hand came to rest on her tiny cheek. Her eyes were still shut.

"I love you too, Rey."


End file.
